Abby’s Journal – 4/23/2016

My name is Abby, and I am a trans-woman. This is my first entry. It has been a week since ‘the dream,’ but I still feel the same. The dream, however, is not when the feelings began. I can’t pinpoint a specific day or even year that I started having these feelings, but I do remember some emotions and signs as if they are part of a slideshow that is slowly flipping by, and finally making sense. The dream was merely the culmination of the slideshow: the feeling of absolute joy with who I was and had been since birth.

I am hoping to document these feelings and experiences as well as my transition. I am a writer, so this shouldn’t be difficult to do. I say shouldn’t, but everyone woman like me who has come before me knows the truth.

Today was a challenge. I woke up at 5 a.m. with immediate feelings of doubt. I’d had too much to drink the night before, and through my already non-existent filter, I told many friends about my decision to explore gender reassignment while trolling Facebook. I don’t regret telling them. In fact, nearly all of them were very supportive. Some asked if I was gay, to which I responded no, I love women very much. It is funny how I once believed as they do; I believed that a man wanting to be a woman had to be homosexual. In many cases, this is true, but some trans-women, like me, just want to live in the body we feel we should have had. That is all. Period. No pun intended.

My daughters have been really supportive, but my oldest had a breakdown today over it, mainly due to her own issues that she is dealing with. I understand that it is easy to lump everything on one’s shoulders when in such a state. I get it. I still don’t like seeing her in pain.

My best friends, Mike and Wade, are very supportive. Mike even sent me a text today saying, “What’s up, girl?” I laughed at first, but then I felt like a fraud. I haven’t even begun wearing the clothing yet, let alone talking to a doctor about hormones. I love them to death. They both informed me that once this process was going, and everything was okay, the jokes would come. I told them that that they had better.

I hope that I am doing the right thing. I’ve read stories where it seems like everyone who goes through the transition has 100 percent known about this since birth. I feel fraudulent in that area. Like I said before, the dream ignited in me the understanding and clarification that my mannerisms, preferences, feelings about being a woman were in fact real, and that this was the time to start moving on it. I really believe this is the time. But, I still feel like a sham.

Going to bed now. I wish I had something witty to say, but this first phase for me is all about discovering me and who I really am. I also need to make sure this isn’t something brought on by my antidepressant medications. That scares me. If it is, and I lose this feeling, I will still have the memory and the clarification that I am really a woman in a man’s body.

5 thoughts on “Abby’s Journal – 4/23/2016

  1. I understand this post greatly. I know this isn’t something I woke up to one morning. It’s been coming and going for years and years. I kept repressing it for fear of rejection. Anyway it’s taken a good year for new to come to terms of just being me and to h#$%with every one else. Now aside from going to work, and getting the HRT letter to begin that, I’m 100% feminine all the time. I’ve never felt better or happier in my life than I do now. Yes it was the loss of family and friends that held me back. Now I know it didn’t really matter. What mattered was me. Go girl be the best and be you!

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