Abby’s Journal – 4/27/2016

I’ve talked about a few things since I had the revelation, but I haven’t talked about emotions and doubt. I think I avoided doubt because some would latch on to that and try to ‘talk me out of it.’ If I am going to have an honest journey, I should address that.

Yes, I have doubt. Not about who I am, but about the process ahead. It would be easy to stay in this body and keep lying to myself and everyone else. It would be easy, if not flaky, to say ‘oh, I was just doing this as an exercise to see what it was like to be in a woman’s shoes.’ That is not what is going on. This wasn’t a spur-of-the-moment decision. It’s one that has taken 44 years to culminate.

I have doubts about stepping out of the house in women’s clothing. I am terrified that someday I will have to use the women’s bathroom; the thought of stepping foot in the ladies room feels like I am planning to sneak into Area 51. Why? Because I have never been in one, aside from cleaning it for a company I worked for.

These doubts cast other doubts, sure, but nothing has changed how I feel about who I am. I am a woman in the wrong body. I have always been. I haven’t known this since I was 4 or 5 years old, but I have since my mid teens. Does it matter when it first started? No. It matters that it did. And it matters that I don’t waste another minute on this earth being unhappy and depressed because I can’t be me.

I’ve had a few more friends question my motives, but when I think about that word, what motives could there possibly be? What do I have to gain, in their eyes, by putting myself at risk of being killed for walking down the street? Where is the gain in being gawked at in a very red state in a very red town where everyone has a gun?

The only gain is that I get to start being the best me that I can. I already feel like a better human being. The chip is gone.Whatever kept it there, isn’t there anymore. How can that be bad?

I’ll get to emotions next time.

— Abby

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