Abby’s Journal – 4/28/2016

I left off with emotions in my last entry. Emotions. My entire life, I have been very emotional. It wasn’t until recently, probably 2012, where I started becoming less emotional. In fact, I think I became apathetic, which is not good. Living circumstances, college, the IDGAF mentality I was living in didn’t help. Right now, I have a healthy mix. I don’t cry for no reason anymore. Coding has taught me to be logical, and I try to roll with that when I can.

Fear is another emotion I am dealing with, but not in the way that you might think. I am not afraid to take the steps necessary for transition. I am afraid of looking like a freak show. I realize that if I wear the clothing now, I will look like a man in women’s clothing. I also realize that that is what the hormones are for. But, hormones will not cure male pattern baldness. They will not make me skinnier, nor will they raise my waistline three inches higher. I remind myself it isn’t about looks, it’s about fitting into my own skin. I wonder if other transfolk are as neurotic as I am.

So really, fear and apathy are manageable. I have an incredible support system in Indiana, even though I live in South Dakota. I cannot be jumpy and sell my house and move back there without a plan. Maybe I don’t even have to move back there at all? I don’t know what the answer is. I suspect that the psych sessions will help me work out the anxieties I have about everything, not only transition.

I look forward to that.

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