I only have one thought after speaking with a few friends and jokers. It is about beauty and what beauty is.
Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some say it is skin deep. Some say that Hollywood tells us what beauty is and isn’t. My thoughts? It is all of these and none of these at the same time. Call it Abby’s Quantum Beauty Entanglement. It is all of these things, and none of these things at the same time. Thank you, Google.
For me, it is about how the subject feels that defines beauty. However, with the external influence of Hollywood telling our young ladies what beauty is, this creates a sort of black hole where confidence can never escape. It prevents these young women from letting themselves see that beauty is the whole package; it is the skin, the hair, the heart, the face, sure. But without the flaws, it is only a mirage.
The flaws and quirks bring all of the ridiculousness into a sort of realistic expectation that the fragile psyche can handle. Our flaws keep us grounded, real, and searching for more ways to incorporate them into the outer package. It’s the sweaty guy or gal in the bottom of the ship shoveling coal into the fire to keep it moving across the ocean of life that sometimes consumes us. It is the constant worker who never fails to show up for work.
My flaws are many. I could count them for you, but this post wouldn’t go live for a few weeks if I did. My main flaw is addiction. Be it cigarettes or alcohol, I am an addict. It pains me to admit this, but without these things, I cannot present to you who I am. I am thankful that these addictions only extend this far, but I have to admit they’ve got their claws into me as much as a heroine does a junkie. It is a sad reality, but I can see it.
What does this have to do with beauty? Everything.
Everyone I know knows I have these problems. At the moment, I am just a bald, fat, awkward transgender woman who is not full-time. But when I put on the wig, and the makeup a few days ago, I got to see, for the first time, who I have been for over forty years. With that image, I also saw the blemishes, the fat, the wrinkles from smoking, everything. But I got to see me. I got to see Abby for the first time.
Let me tell you something. Every experience I’ve ever had, good or bad, brought me here. I am alive. I am more alive than I have ever been. When my friends call me an ugly woman, I know they are being funny. I’ve known them for thirty years, so we laugh. But what they can’t see is what I DO see. There is something beautiful there. There is something new and exciting waiting for me.
As I break myself down and rebuild, I am reminded of a line from a song from a band called Frou Frou.
“(So let go) so let go
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”
It is beautiful down here. So beautiful, in fact, that I can finally destroy the mirror.