My Journal – 5/19/2016

I only have one thought after speaking with a few friends and jokers. It is about beauty and what beauty is.

Some say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some say it is skin deep. Some say that Hollywood tells us what beauty is and isn’t. My thoughts? It is all of these and none of these at the same time. Call it Abby’s Quantum Beauty Entanglement. It is all of these things, and none of these things at the same time. Thank you, Google.

For me, it is about how the subject feels that defines beauty. However, with the external influence of Hollywood telling our young ladies what beauty is, this creates a sort of black hole where confidence can never escape. It prevents these young women from letting themselves see that beauty is the whole package; it is the skin, the hair, the heart, the face, sure. But without the flaws, it is only a mirage.

The flaws and quirks bring all of the ridiculousness into a sort of realistic expectation that the fragile psyche can handle. Our flaws keep us grounded, real, and searching for more ways to incorporate them into the outer package. It’s the sweaty guy or gal in the bottom of the ship shoveling coal into the fire to keep it moving across the ocean of life that sometimes consumes us. It is the constant worker who never fails to show up for work.

My flaws are many. I could count them for you, but this post wouldn’t go live for a few weeks if I did. My main flaw is addiction. Be it cigarettes or alcohol, I am an addict. It pains me to admit this, but without these things, I cannot present to you who I am. I am thankful that these addictions only extend this far, but I have to admit they’ve got their claws into me as much as a heroine does a junkie. It is a sad reality, but I can see it.

What does this have to do with beauty? Everything.

Everyone I know knows I have these problems. At the moment, I am just a bald, fat, awkward transgender woman who is not full-time. But when I put on the wig, and the makeup a few days ago, I got to see, for the first time, who I have been for over forty years. With that image, I also saw the blemishes, the fat, the wrinkles from smoking, everything. But I got to see me. I got to see Abby for the first time.

Let me tell you something. Every experience I’ve ever had, good or bad, brought me here. I am alive. I am more alive than I have ever been. When my friends call me an ugly woman, I know they are being funny. I’ve known them for thirty years, so we laugh. But what they can’t see is what I DO see. There is something beautiful there. There is something new and exciting waiting for me.

As I break myself down and rebuild, I am reminded of a line from a song from a band called Frou Frou.

“(So let go) so let go
Jump in
Oh well whatcha waiting for
It’s all right
Cause there’s beauty in the breakdown”

It is beautiful down here. So beautiful, in fact, that I can finally destroy the mirror.




2 thoughts on “My Journal – 5/19/2016

  1. Well said on this subject. Too much emphasis is on physical beauty and not the beauty that makes a person who they are. Their character, soul, love and all the attributes that make a human being a friend, spouse etc. and a person loved for who they are rather than the outward fashion model type of person who is shallow, selfish, uncaring, arrogant and those attributes that make a person disliked and are the stereotypes of false beauty. When I went on a blind date, the first thing I would ask is how do they look, rather than how they are and the answer would sometimes be, she has a nice personality which was a trigger for physical ugliness. But you know something, I never made a date feel uncomfortable, unwanted or neglected. I always treated everyone with respect and dignity and always had a good time and I would end the night with a friend kiss on the cheek and let them know I had a good time and enjoyed meeting them. You don’t have to be beautiful to be beautiful and that has always been my character. So this journal says it like it should be although I have never written on the subject about myself.As a life long friend to your buddies, things won’t change with the kidding and name calling but that is the love friends have,. If your friends call you ugly its because they like you and they won;t pussy foot over your change with some comments but they won’t be cruel although they may intentionally want to see you cry just for the hell of it. Don’t let it get to you because they mean you no harm and that includes me. It is not easy to accept this change after knowing you for so many years but you won’t be shunned, mocked or ridiculed, just harassed by your friends who would defend you if someone outside the circle did give you a hard time. When you went to that Halloween party some years back dressed as a woman with that heavy beard, lipstick and other paraphernalia, I said you were the scariest and ugly woman I ever saw with size 13 shoes., That may never change and then it again it might. I am not the type to kid when I know there is something sensitive going on. I have a hard time thinking Abby and not Steve, and I have serious questions about the transgender issue as well but I will not go further than that comment to express it and regardless, we remain friends and that is the true beauty of life and not the physical attributes.

    1. It will take time. Luckily, I will get to come back and see you all soon. Thank you for the kind words and don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t hurt lol. It is nearly impossible to offend me. Writers are introspective to a fault, which is why there is a high suicide rate in our field. It is part of writing. If I can’t derive something beautiful from something negative, then I should quit writing. 🙂

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