My Journal – 6/1/2016

Where do I start? For one, I am sick and going to call in sick (again) tomorrow to work. Headaches. Stress? Who knows? I know. Yes. It is stress + weather fronts.

In previous posts, I admitted that when I came out I felt the ocean of relief destroy what I thought was my world and leave a smooth, sandy shoreline in its wake. It was true. The experience brought me to my knees and left me there staring at God.

Now, after the newness of the new ‘feels,’ I am still here, but the tide is rising with other bullshit. I won’t get into it, but it is there.

More and more friends are coming to me expressing concern that I am making a mistake in my ‘choice.’ They worry that I am letting past experiences with women affect my judgment. So, I thought it would be a good idea to address those issues here and now. But, before we start, I will state that I have EXCELLENT relationships with my exes. All of them except a few nutjobs. This isn’t about pussy. It’s about the fact that I was a dick for not telling them who I really was. Wrap your head around that (no pun intended).

First of all, the feelings I have had since I was a teenager and what I am prepared to do about them have nothing to do with things that happened to me 15-20 years later than that. Time doesn’t work like that. See, it goes forward, not backward. I have felt like this for decades, which brings up another point.

I appreciate anyone who thinks that talking to me and engaging me in an effort to correct a perceived flaw is an effort to help. I get it. It means you care, and you are my friend because of it. Having said that, this is actually one of those times where I just need you to listen to what I am saying. I need you to put down the Bible, your observations of me over the years, and listen to me now. At least, try to hear me.

I am a woman. I think that deep inside, I am a beautiful woman. Outside? Nah, I’m older and have lived. It is not about looks. It’s about survival. Do I pretty up? Hell yes. When you start with a tabula rasa dipped in shit, it is easy to fix. But, to those who have difficulty with this, you don’t understand that because all you’ve ever seen is a man. But let me refine that for you. Because of your experience, all you’ve ever CHOSEN to see is a man because of YOUR experience. Understandable. We are products of our experience.

You know what? Ignore that last paragraph for a moment. If you love me, you will understand this. I am happy for the first time in my life. I know, I know, what I just said is a common thing people say when trying to justify their behavior. This is not the case with me. I don’t need to justify anything to anyone. Why? Because I don’t care. I found happiness in a miserable world. I struck gold.

I will leave you all with a few thoughts about me and my mindset before I leave. This is serious and I will not be addressing it again. Gender dysphoria is not a mental illness. It was removed from the DSM because the diagnosis didn’t hold up to scientific scrutiny.

Before you try to offer your ineffective, anti-transgender rhetoric to the Facebook Gods, get your facts straight. At least arm yourselves with facts and research. If you have a legitimate claim, bring it for factual, rational discourse. If you’re drunk and seeking a fight, log in to World of Warcraft and hit up The Crossroads or camp the entrance to Temple Keep.




3 thoughts on “My Journal – 6/1/2016

  1. Take care of you girl, you do have peeps who understand even if a few of them are ones who read/follow your posts.

    1. Thank you 🙂 The problem I am having is that I am very defensive right now and probably need to relax. I am stressed out with the big move coming up, trying to find a job in Indianapolis from South Dakota, trying to sell the house and everything I own. I am also starting graduate school in July. A lot of changes coming up.

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