My Journal – 6/24/2016

For me, it is easy to write in my journal when everything is going badly. I’ve always written from a place of darkness and pain. Lately, I haven’t written much. Suffice to say, the pain and misery is nearly all gone.

Five days ago, I started hormones. I am taking 2mg of Estrofem (Oestradiol) and 100mg of Spironolactone a day. While I had to resort to a DiY method for now (and yes, I am seeking professional help to acquire my HRT letter), I couldn’t maintain the suicidal ideations any longer. Hard to admit. But there it is.

What are the effects on my body? Not much so far, but noticeable.

Spironolactone: This is what’s called a testosterone blocker. It prevents binding and drops my T-Levels down substantially. Effects: I pee a lot. I am calmer. I am more engaged in what other people have to say and genuinely more concerned about their well-being. I don’t anger easily anymore, and my stress is gone.

Estrogen: Not much noticeable yet. Estrogen takes around 1-2 years to fully develop. To put this into perspective, HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is the equivalent of restarting puberty, only I am doing it as a female this time. Physical changes will happen much later. This is a long-term commitment (lifetime) while the Spiro is not. I can stop Spiro when A.) I get a complete sex reassignment surgery or B.) when I get an Orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). Sounds graphic to some. To me, it sounds lovely.

For years I have suffered from gender dysphoria, even when I didn’t know what it was. Now, for the first time, I am blessed with gender EUphoria. I am content with who I am. I love who I am now, even with all of my faults. I shop for women’s clothing in public and I am not even full-time. Every person I explain this too removes a weight from my soul.

I have a few stories.

On Thursday, I had a Skype interview with a tech recruiter in Indianapolis. When she called me that morning to confirm, I told her my situation. Her response was one of loving acceptance. She genuinely wanted to talk to me further. Later that day, we did our Skype interview, only I didn’t present myself as my dead self, I presented as Abby. She was ecstatic at my responses as well as how well I presented myself with no makeup lol. She got on me about changing my email address to my female self, which I had done but hadn’t told her about yet. I want you to imagine something. You’ve spent 24 years interviewing as someone you are not, feeling vulnerable, fearing praise, fearing rejection, fearing wearing a shirt and tie, only to throw all of that away when you absolutely need the surety and stability that the status quo can provide, and put on your hair, your blouse, and your skirt and then log into Skype for what might be the most important interview of your life. Scary, huh? Now imagine that you had no trepidation at all before during and after. I can tell you that when I took a few minutes to think about it, I was depressed that I had waited so long. But the realist in me says that times were different back then.

The other story is this. I pawned my laptop for a few bucks between paychecks at Oahe Pawn and went to pick it up a few weeks later. I told the owner, whom I know by name, that I was leaving and heading back to Indianapolis. He asked why, so I told him :”It’s a doozy.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and loaded a picture of me in girl mode and showed it to him. He looked at it closely, pulled back, and then looked at me and said, “Did you meet her online?”

Folks, I’ve only been on hormones for a few days like I said. I wasn’t even wearing makeup in that pic.

I replied, “No, that’s me, Mike.”

But as I drove away, I realized something. I was and am going to back for the woman in the picture. I am going back to experience the rest of my life through her eyes, to share her tempered thoughts, to see the world in the way I was meant to see it.

I am going back to Indianapolis to embrace that woman.

And that woman is me.

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