There are so many things to write about. I’ve not been able to write in a very long time, and when I get the urge, I have voices in my head telling me that I cannot write what I am thinking because it will offend others.
I am finished with that way of thinking. This is my blog and has been my only non-destructive means of release (Facebook is just an awful mess of a social experiment gone wrong, IMHO). Well here goes.
My transition has gone very well, and I just celebrated my 5 month anniversary on HRT. My breasts are still sensitive and growing a tad, but not much. My body is losing and gaining weight differently and it is really cool. I am starting to get small hips. It could be that I am imagining those (or wishful thinking!), but it feels like I am. I have a newer selection of wigs, but I still wear my old blond one the most. Here are some pics from my new hairseseses.
My discomfort with seeing myself naked is increasing. I don’t honestly know how I have lived with this thing so long. It’s just gross to me now. But, one does have to shower, does one not?
I cry a lot now. Tonight, I broke down for absolutely no reason. It’s definitely the hormones, although I suspect that my life might be playing a small role. Afterwards, however, I feel better. I do not hold things in anymore. I don’t carry anger around, unless it is in the form of righteous anger against some injustice I read about or see on TV. I can honestly say that being angry is exhausting, and I just don’t have the energy for it. I literally don’t have the energy.
I am running out of hormones and I am still unemployed. I have tried everything from Starbucks to Salesforce, and seldom a return call. I have had, however, three interviews cancelled on me in as many months, the last one occurring today. Not just cancelled, but the job being filled as well. I was an hour away from my interview when they called and told me they accepted an offer. Third time this has happened. Are they Googling me and seeing the TV interview I did after being targeted with a hate crime that police refused to do anything about? Am I a ‘trouble-maker’ now because I spoke up for myself? Are hiring trends shifting to this practice of ‘over-booking’ so to speak, and just throwing us away? Wouldn’t a company want to make sure that they interviewed every possible person in order to find the right one? Or was my name not ‘male’ enough? Unknown.
I need to find a job, any job, so I can continue hormones. I cannot live without them. I cannot and will not take a happy mind/body backward. I will try again this week for Target, Walmart, or Starbucks or whatever.
School is going very well. When everything fell apart for me after the incident, I had to move to Bloomington with another trans woman. It has been nice, but we have a clear separation of everything and I provide for myself minus the toiletries/rent/utilities and such. Not ideal by any means. Better than living in my truck, which I need to give back to the dealership; the lease is almost over.
I did buy her old Subaru, though. Still need to pay it off, but it is a good little car to get around.
Rather than post a ton of pictures where you gradually see the physical changes, and I just going to post the before picture and the current picture taken a few days ago. The current is a little grainy, but it was dark at the drag club and I had to lighten it up.
A side note, I’ve also stopped drinking. I’ve done it a few times since living here, but wow, I just don’t care about it anymore. I did not feel good at all during and after. I feel amazing. I think it’s been a few weeks now since I’ve had a drink. I dunno, I don’t, think about it much. 🙂
I met a guy online and he is a sweetheart. We text each other most days with nothing super substantial, but if I don’t text him for a while he will text me. We are separated by a few states, so this is just friendship long-distance. However, we are getting to know each other as best we can and someday I hope to Skype with him. He is cute and tall. 🙂 Also, he has never brought up sex or how I am a fantasy of his. He’s dated trans women before and told me I am just a woman to him.
We will see what happens.
Okay the pictures. My face is where you will notice most of the changes. What you can’t see is that, while I am still a big girl, I have lost roughly 30 lbs. since I’ve been here.
I’ve never been happier in my own skin than at this moment.