My Journal – 11/8/2016

There are so many things to write about. I’ve not been able to write in a very long time, and when I get the urge, I have voices in my head telling me that I cannot write what I am thinking because it will offend others.

I am finished with that way of thinking. This is my blog and has been my only non-destructive means of release (Facebook is just an awful mess of a social experiment gone wrong, IMHO). Well here goes.

Transition

My transition has gone very well, and I just celebrated my 5 month anniversary on HRT. My breasts are still sensitive and growing a tad, but not much. My body is losing and gaining weight differently and it is really cool. I am starting to get small hips. It could be that I am imagining those (or wishful thinking!), but it feels like I am. I have a newer selection of wigs, but I still wear my old blond one the most. Here are some pics from my new hairseseses.

My discomfort with seeing myself naked is increasing. I don’t honestly know how I have lived with this thing so long. It’s just gross to me now. But, one does have to shower, does one not?

I cry a lot now. Tonight, I broke down for absolutely no reason. It’s definitely the hormones, although I suspect that my life might be playing a small role. Afterwards, however, I feel better. I do not hold things in anymore. I don’t carry anger around, unless it is in the form of righteous anger against some injustice I read about or see on TV. I can honestly say that being angry is exhausting, and I just don’t have the energy for it. I literally don’t have the energy.

I am running out of hormones and I am still unemployed. I have tried everything from Starbucks to Salesforce, and seldom a return call. I have had, however, three interviews cancelled on me in as many months, the last one occurring today. Not just cancelled, but the job being filled as well. I was an hour away from my interview when they called and told me they accepted an offer. Third time this has happened. Are they Googling me and seeing the TV interview I did after being targeted with a hate crime that police refused to do anything about? Am I a ‘trouble-maker’ now because I spoke up for myself? Are hiring trends shifting to this practice of ‘over-booking’ so to speak, and just throwing us away? Wouldn’t a company want to make sure that they interviewed every possible person in order to find the right one? Or was my name not ‘male’ enough? Unknown.

I need to find a job, any job, so I can continue hormones. I cannot live without them. I cannot and will not take a happy mind/body backward. I will try again this week for Target, Walmart, or Starbucks or whatever.

School is going very well. When everything fell apart for me after the incident, I had to move to Bloomington with another trans woman. It has been nice, but we have a clear separation of everything and I provide for myself minus the toiletries/rent/utilities and such. Not ideal by any means. Better than living in my truck, which I need to give back to the dealership; the lease is almost over.

I did buy her old Subaru, though. Still need to pay it off, but it is a good little car to get around.

Transition Progress

Rather than post a ton of pictures where you gradually see the physical changes, and I just going to post the before picture and the current picture taken a few days ago. The current is a little grainy, but it was dark at the drag club and I had to lighten it up.

A side note, I’ve also stopped drinking. I’ve done it a few times since living here, but wow, I just don’t care about it anymore. I did not feel good at all during and after. I feel amazing. I think it’s been a few weeks now since I’ve had a drink. I dunno, I don’t, think about it much. 🙂

Boys

I met a guy online and he is a sweetheart. We text each other most days with nothing super substantial, but if I don’t text him for a while he will text me. We are separated by a few states, so this is just friendship long-distance. However, we are getting to know each other as best we can and someday I hope to Skype with him. He is cute and tall. 🙂 Also, he has never brought up sex or how I am a fantasy of his. He’s dated trans women before and told me I am just a woman to him.

/melt

We will see what happens.

Okay the pictures. My face is where you will notice most of the changes. What you can’t see is that, while I am still a big girl, I have lost roughly 30 lbs. since I’ve been here.

There’s me.

I’ve never been happier in my own skin than at this moment.

Abby

Hello, there!

Haven’t written in a while. I recently moved to Indianapolis where I have been working hard on my Masters, with a solid A- average after two classes. The third, Data Mining, is the toughest so far.

I am 3 days away from my three month anniversary on HRT, and having been seeing an amazing therapist who has sent over my HRT letter to my new endocrinologist to begin supervised HRT treatment. Can’t wait.

I wanted to post a before and after pics to show some of the changes, mostly in my face.

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My Journal – 7/15/2016

Grad school, right? Let me tell you something about graduate degree work: it is hard, exciting, and fulfilling. I love it. I love statistics. Figuring out which variables are dependent and independent based on Significance Level is exciting. I can’t explain it. It is what it is.

Maybe I am good at something for once.

Hormones, right? Let me tell you something about hormones: they are hard, terrifying, and ultimately worth it. I love them and I hate them. Maybe I am good at them, but I don’t think so. I don’t have to be. It is necessary for me. I am dealing with it. I am experiencing a level of normalcy that is throwing my gender dysphoria into whack and making me feel like the emotions are NOT normal when in fact the dysphoria is the thing being pushed away and normalcy is being let in. It is wonderful and confusing. I am emotional. In the past, the emotions always flooded in when I was depressed. I am not depressed anymore, but there are moments, or rather, days, of despair. I am told these are normal. I approach them with knowledge of who I am and what I am doing to be who I am. It is a great thing. It is good to own who you are and everything that comes with it. The hormones will never change who I am. I was a bastard, now I’m a bitch. There is no magic here, folks. Just reality accompanied by some emotional and physical changes. My brain is still a female brain. Always has been. I might even be a little neurotic. So be it. I am me, and now my body is following suit. That is all. That is all that hormones do for us MTFs; they allow us to fit in with our brains. Not other people. Not other transfolk. Ourselves.

The other night I was clocked at a gas station. Some kids getting into a car yelled out, as I walked through the parking lot, “What the fuck is that?” I was hanging out with friends who immediately started yelling at them, so I just walked into the store to talk to my friend at the register, Aurora. When I got home, I was upset. I posted some grandiose bullshit on Facebook and the next day I noticed that a friend and a relative unfriended me. While it might have been grandiose and over the top, I would never have thought that a family member would abandon me. It hurt. Surprisingly, it did hurt. I don’t even talk to this person. But it stung. I love that person very much.

I am not a shallow girl. I do care what my family thinks, even though I will never put their happiness over mine. That may sound selfish, but it really isn’t. In the dark, when the world sleeps and villains cross the gates, what woman worries about someone she used to know?

Maybe I am cynical? I don’t know.

I am hurt, sure.

But I am not an army. I don’t need an army. Some do, because they are weak. I’ll move happily through life on my own.

And I will do so as a good girl. (And if you believe that….)

— Abby

 

My Journal – 6/24/2016

For me, it is easy to write in my journal when everything is going badly. I’ve always written from a place of darkness and pain. Lately, I haven’t written much. Suffice to say, the pain and misery is nearly all gone.

Five days ago, I started hormones. I am taking 2mg of Estrofem (Oestradiol) and 100mg of Spironolactone a day. While I had to resort to a DiY method for now (and yes, I am seeking professional help to acquire my HRT letter), I couldn’t maintain the suicidal ideations any longer. Hard to admit. But there it is.

What are the effects on my body? Not much so far, but noticeable.

Spironolactone: This is what’s called a testosterone blocker. It prevents binding and drops my T-Levels down substantially. Effects: I pee a lot. I am calmer. I am more engaged in what other people have to say and genuinely more concerned about their well-being. I don’t anger easily anymore, and my stress is gone.

Estrogen: Not much noticeable yet. Estrogen takes around 1-2 years to fully develop. To put this into perspective, HRT (hormone replacement therapy) is the equivalent of restarting puberty, only I am doing it as a female this time. Physical changes will happen much later. This is a long-term commitment (lifetime) while the Spiro is not. I can stop Spiro when A.) I get a complete sex reassignment surgery or B.) when I get an Orchiectomy (removal of the testicles). Sounds graphic to some. To me, it sounds lovely.

For years I have suffered from gender dysphoria, even when I didn’t know what it was. Now, for the first time, I am blessed with gender EUphoria. I am content with who I am. I love who I am now, even with all of my faults. I shop for women’s clothing in public and I am not even full-time. Every person I explain this too removes a weight from my soul.

I have a few stories.

On Thursday, I had a Skype interview with a tech recruiter in Indianapolis. When she called me that morning to confirm, I told her my situation. Her response was one of loving acceptance. She genuinely wanted to talk to me further. Later that day, we did our Skype interview, only I didn’t present myself as my dead self, I presented as Abby. She was ecstatic at my responses as well as how well I presented myself with no makeup lol. She got on me about changing my email address to my female self, which I had done but hadn’t told her about yet. I want you to imagine something. You’ve spent 24 years interviewing as someone you are not, feeling vulnerable, fearing praise, fearing rejection, fearing wearing a shirt and tie, only to throw all of that away when you absolutely need the surety and stability that the status quo can provide, and put on your hair, your blouse, and your skirt and then log into Skype for what might be the most important interview of your life. Scary, huh? Now imagine that you had no trepidation at all before during and after. I can tell you that when I took a few minutes to think about it, I was depressed that I had waited so long. But the realist in me says that times were different back then.

The other story is this. I pawned my laptop for a few bucks between paychecks at Oahe Pawn and went to pick it up a few weeks later. I told the owner, whom I know by name, that I was leaving and heading back to Indianapolis. He asked why, so I told him :”It’s a doozy.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and loaded a picture of me in girl mode and showed it to him. He looked at it closely, pulled back, and then looked at me and said, “Did you meet her online?”

Folks, I’ve only been on hormones for a few days like I said. I wasn’t even wearing makeup in that pic.

I replied, “No, that’s me, Mike.”

But as I drove away, I realized something. I was and am going to back for the woman in the picture. I am going back to experience the rest of my life through her eyes, to share her tempered thoughts, to see the world in the way I was meant to see it.

I am going back to Indianapolis to embrace that woman.

And that woman is me.